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This is my second blog post about taking up space. Here’s the link to part one. I started writing it over a year ago but never published it. Today is the day I change that.

 I suppose this topic has been on my mind a lot, so I have much to say about it. (Shocker! This is a bit of a warning. I’m not a long story short kinda girl, I’m short story long all the way. I have to tell you the backstory to really drive a story home. I try to whittle down my words, but, well, you know, I just struggle with it.)

In January 2021, I made a post on social media about taking up space, and I will share it here.

“A while ago, I joined my dear friend’s Homefires Beta group. (Life changing. I’m not exaggerating.) Cristy Duce challenged us to “dance it out”. I mean, closing the door, cranking your music and giving it ALL you’ve got. I accepted the challenge.

I danced around my room and moved my WHOLE body. I sang my heart out. I was unapologetic about how extra I was. And then I sobbed. The tears wouldn’t stop flowing as I moved and sang. It was so unexpectedly cathartic and I couldn’t believe the release I felt. I couldn’t believe all the things I was feeling. I’m so grateful Cristy challenged me to do that. (And now, I challenge you. )

Afterwards, I couldn’t get over how liberated I felt. I didn’t realize how apologetic I tend to be for taking up space. Physical space (I’m big), my words (I’m long-winded and loud), my feelings (I feel a lot), my thoughts (I think a lot and…squirrel), my ideas, and the list goes on.

I felt liberated because I took up space. I took up the space I wanted. And I didn’t apologize.

I love learning, but I sometimes put the things I’ve learned on the back burner. They’re still in my mind, but I need reminding. So, Libby, thanks for reminding me how I should be living. Look at her taking up ALL the space. Sometimes I make myself small. This puts an unseen and unnecessary weight on me. I loved the release I felt when I danced it out and I can apply this in so many ways. There is room for us all. There really is.

This momma is going to take the space I need. And I’m not going to apologize for it. I hope you join me in this. The world is big enough for us to do so. ”

 Reading this a year later brought tears to my eyes. Oh, how I need this reminder!

Now here is my follow up post from February 2021.

“I made a post a while back about taking up space. There are so many ways to take up space. It looks different for everyone and it is a very personal thing, I think.

One way I am taking up space is giving myself space. Like actual space. My birthday is next week and the only thing I want is to stay at a hotel overnight. BY MYSELF. That kind of gift hasn’t really been on my radar before, but it sure is now.

January (2021) was a hard month for me. After talking to family and friends and doing some reading, I realized it was a hard month for the majority of people. February seems to be a hard month for the majority, too. Jeesh!!! Even with the hard, though, I have found lots of joy. I’m giving space for the hard and the good. I *try* to embrace the suck and also find joy in the every day. (The hotel stay brought me joy too, but that’s not something I can do often. Or can I? Maybe this should become a thing for me.)

I’m trying to give other people their space, too.

I haven’t always been super good at taking care of myself, but it’s become a priority now.

Cristy Duce encouraged me to write myself a letter back when I was doing Homefires with her. I just found the letter a while ago and read it again. Woah. Thank you July 2020 Jacquie. And thank you Cristy. (Also, it may appear I’m obsessed with Cristy because I reference her OFTEN. Hahah! Maybe I am, and maybe I am. )

In case you needed the reminder, “YOU ARE WORTH THE INVESTMENT”, whatever that looks like for you.

P.S. I’m so curious. What are some things you do for yourself??”

Once again, I’m grateful for this reminder!!

Since these Facebook/Instagram posts, I have stayed at a hotel by myself twice! Once for my birthday mentioned above, and once in May 2022 after we sold our house. (I’ll write about that journey at some point.)

For my birthday stay, I made sure, thanks to a suggestion from my sister, to book with a hotel that has a restaurant attached. Priorities. The pandemic restrictions were lifted a little to include the opening of swimming pools, and “my” hotel had a swimming pool. I decided to bring my kids to the hotel with me so they could enjoy swimming in a pool for the first time in nearly a year. They were elated! And they loved hanging out in my hotel room waiting for our scheduled pool time. It was a great way to start my getaway. Another great way to start my getaway? Birthday cannoli left in my mini fridge, compliments of the amazing staff at the Sandman Lodge.

My husband picked up my kids and I went on my way. I went shopping for some very adulty type things that I’ve been putting off. Keep your mind outta the gutter-I was shopping for a printer, a pair of running shoes and a dress. I took all the time I needed and made friends with all the cashiers without my kids being annoyed.

I went back to the hotel and ordered delicious food to eat in my room. Then I called my family to say goodnight. I didn’t feel guilt over being by myself. I don’t know if I could have said that even a year ago. I had brought all manner of things with me to do if I felt so inclined. What happened though? I ate my dinner, and then called a friend.  She just happened to be working a sleepover shift on a day that she typically doesn’t work. We had an amazing visit that lasted THREE hours. Three! We never could’ve done that in our normal situations. It was so serendipitous and it filled my soul. I went to bed and slept like a dream.

My morning was full and I wasn’t planning on going home until dinner time. I was so filled up that I didn’t feel the need to prolong my getaway just because. I genuinely wanted to go home to my family.

Honestly, it was exactly what I needed. One of my friends mentioned that she goes and stays by herself in Waterton. (One of my favourite places ever.) I’m adding that to my bucket list. The second time I stayed at a hotel, I left feeling the same way. I really needed the time completely on my own. I returned to my family recharged and in a much better space.

Throughout the pandemic, I’ve had much time to think, to spend time with family, and with myself. I’ve had therapy sessions and other opportunities for learning. Through these experiences, I’ve started to focus on my triggers; what they are, what my patterns are and what I can do about them. I’m a work in progress, that’s for certain!

I have an experience to share which includes my triggers and taking up space.

In the springtime, the weather started warming up and we’d go for walks/scooter rides. Our puppy Libby would join us. It was something to look forward to. It seemed the whole town would be out and about taking advantage of the nice weather and paths. We saw a friend with her family and their dog. While the friend and I visited, the kids wanted to take turns taking the two dogs while on their scooters. My youngest child couldn’t handle the dogs’ strength so I said he couldn’t have a turn. He had a hard time with that decision, and I understood. I gave him space to feel all the big feelings. And then I sent the kids to keep going on the path so I could finish my conversation with my friend, with the intention of catching up to my kids afterwards. My youngest, who was five at the time, wouldn’t listen. He was extra clingy and kept yelling at me. His behaviour was escalating and I could feel myself getting worked up and I didn’t like it. It felt like I was about to Hulk out.

Thankfully, I was able to recognize what was happening and pumped the breaks. I said something like,

‘I’m feeling really triggered right now. I need to feel my big feelings and then I can let it go. You are yelling at me and not giving me the space I need right now. Please give me space so I can feel it and let it go.” And guess what happened next? Right after I said that, he scootered away to catch up to his siblings. It was a simple and powerful lesson to me.

Since this has been on my mind so much, I’m trying to notice when I’m not giving enough space. Take my plant, for example. I never re-potted it when I should have. I never gave it the opportunity to reach its potential. The directions on this plant said, “Don’t be fooled by this plant’s small size. Give it time and patience, and it can grow up to 4 or 5 feet if you let it.” I didn’t let it to reach its potential. I stunted it. I know at times I’ve stunted my own growth. It hurts me to say it, but I’ve probably stunted growth in others, too, just by not giving enough space. The great thing about us being us, is that we can take our space. We aren’t like this plant; we don’t have to wait for others to give us that. We can take it!!!

Giving space to ourselves and others is the gift that keeps on giving. Same thing applies to giving grace to ourselves and others. Space and grace-I need to remember that concept! And I like the reminder on the plant tag: “It can grow…if we let it.” Here’s to taking action (giving, receiving, letting) and giving space and grace. Here’s to the growing, healing, and learning opportunities that go along with them. Clink! (Pretend we tapped our glasses of our preferred beverages. Mine is a cold Fresca from a can.)

I remember watching  Superhuman Samurai Syber-Squad as a kid. And by kid, I mean teenager. (I sure loved those Lawrence brothers.) Or maybe it was another one of those Power Ranger-type shows. Anyway, there was one episode that has stayed with me all these years after having watched it. In the episode, one of the villains had planted a virus in the main characters’ (the heroes and heroines) phone lines. Whatever messages were spoken aloud were then changed by the virus.  So whenever the heroes and heroines called and talked to each other on the phone, they weren’t hearing what was actually said. The manipulated messages were meant to cause discord within the group. And it worked. The characters felt so misunderstood. You could see their frustrations and feelings of helplessness when the other character was not hearing what they were actually saying. If I’m being honest, I have wondered if I have this virus in me. 

Communication is not my strong suit. I try to listen to others and I try to be listened to. Active listening is a skill I’m working on. I try to “read the room” and be aware. Even with effort to understand others, I may still jump to conclusions and misunderstand their words, meanings or motives.

I often feel misunderstood. When I feel misunderstood, and I try to explain myself further, sometimes it only makes things worse. And then I feel trapped. A damned if you do, damned if you don’t scenario. I feel like that virus from the tv show is actually in my body, and it rears its nasty head and distorts my words and meanings and intentions. (I wrote a blog post about intentions HERE.)

Sometimes when I’m misunderstood, I feel so trapped, and no matter what I do or say, I can’t change what people think, but I can change what and how I think. And what I feel. If I’m questioning things in a healthy way and find my answers, then that’s what I need to focus on. Obviously way easier said than done. 

I have some stories to share about feeling misunderstood. I know, I know. When do I not have stories to share?

Exhibit A:

Costco is usually busy no matter when you go, but dinner time is usually quite busy. So there I was recently, with three hungry and irritable kids, making a return, wondering why in the world we were at Costco at that time of day. I saw a restaurant business owner that I know. When he asked how I was doing, I responded with, “Good! But what the heck am I doing here at dinner time?” Meaning, it’s too busy and we are hungry. He seemed a bit taken aback and quickly responded that he was at Costco because he was waiting for his son to finish an extracurricular activity. He misunderstood me. He thought I was asking him why the heck he’s at Costco at dinner time (and not at his restaurant). I tried to explain what I actually said. I don’t know if he heard, or if he just thought I was an entitled jerk questioning his dedication to the restaurant. For the record, I would never question that. Business owners are unsung heroes.  

We all have our own past and present experiences that shape us. Those experiences affect what information we process.That restaurant owner may have had some ignorant comments made to him before. Or maybe he felt guilty for leaving the restaurant. Or maybe it’s for some other reason. Our own past experiences and tendencies influence what we see and hear. 

Exhibit B:

The F word has plagued me for decades. Flirty. Being labelled as flirtatious has always made me feel misunderstood. In high school, our graduating class took a survey and voted on different categories.  I was voted by our student body as Biggest Flirt. It was kind of funny, but kind of not. Okay, yes, I have flirted. Haven’t we all? I’d like to trade the one F word for another.  I have always been friendly. Let’s say fearlessly friendly. I love people and love to hear their stories. I’m typically unafraid to initiate conversations or give people compliments. I do this with males and females, young and old. My friendly tendencies do not discriminate. 

According to Cambridge Dictionary, flirtatious is defined as, “behaving as if you are sexually attracted to someone, especially not in a serious way.” Okay, 75 year old lady that I told smelled good at Costco, I am not sexually attracted to you. I just really enjoyed your fragrance of choice. As for you, 17 year old young man at church? I gave you a compliment on your singing voice and told you that you sounded like Roger Whittaker. Also not sexually attracted to you. And to all my first cousins at a family reunion? Sure, I sang a karaoke duet with one of you to the Phantom of the Opera’s song Music of the Night. Did we sing with commitment and intensity? Yes. Totally nailed it! But, it does not mean I want to be kissing cousins.  Friendly and outgoing. Yes. Raging flirt who is sexually attracted to everyone I speak with? No. I have felt misunderstood by this all. Or M!Ssundaztood, as my friend P!NK would say. (Don’t get the reference? Give it a Google.)

With all that being said, I can see how sometimes I’m seen as flirty.  I often say too much. I struggle with awkward silences and feel this compulsion to fill the dead space.  I can get awkward and wordy and maybe say some odd things. I can see how I’m deemed as flirty. I get it. I also can see that if my husband was as chatty as me, I’d probably have some concerns. (It would be truly out of character for him to be like this, though. For me? I think I came out of the womb like this.) It is not my intention to flirt. Keegan has teased me about flirting with different trades workers who come to the house to do work. My daughter Evelyn has overheard these conversations. More like overheard and mimicked.I have two stories about her calling me out. 

Exhibit C:

One of my dearest friends and I would often take my kids to our favourite family restaurant. And we’d often end up having our favourite server wait on us. Let’s refer to him as Josh. (He happens to be in a relationship with a man. This matters, just you wait.) He is hilarious, sassy and quick witted. We laugh a lot when he comes to our table. Seriously, I have a hoot with him! Josh and I were laughing about something, and Evelyn said, “Mom, are you and dad breaking up so you can marry Josh?” As quick witted as he is, Josh said, “Yep, I’m your stepdad now! And you’re grounded.” More laughter! Anyone who knows Evelyn knows she has a great sense of humour. She was just teasing, the clever girl, but I still felt a tad triggered by it.

Exhibit D: 

Just as a reminder, I’m not that comfortable with silence. I’m trying to be, but I’m a work in progress. We had a particular FedEx delivery worker who consistently delivered to our house. He was on the quiet side and it always made me a titch uncomfortable. So what did I do? Yack away. The song with lyrics Yakety yak (Don’t talk back) is beyond true. I wouldn’t give him a moment to comment on anything. I filled in all the silence. Just call me Yacky Fleming.

One day, when our FedEx guy rang the doorbell, Evelyn opened the door and left it wide open. She proceeded to yell very loudly, “Mom, the guy you always FLIRT with is here!” I almost died! Awko Taco! Needless to say, I didn’t go to the door! I was mortified! And it totally made me think of Billy Madison when his kindergarten teacher embarrassed him. “Thank you very much Miss Lippy!” Reminder to everyone: friendly should not be synonymous with flirty!!! Also, oddly enough, FedEx no longer delivers to us. The new company doesn’t knock and wait for us to answer the door. The drivers ring the doorbell, leave the package and promptly leave. Do I have a reputation in the delivery world? Hmmm. 

Next example. 

Exhibit E:

Growing up, we weren’t allowed to say fart. We had to say toot or fluff. So you can surmise that swearing was a big no-no. My brother, who was 5 years older than me, was bugging me relentlessly. I was so frustrated and felt cornered so I yelled, “YOU’RE SUCH A BUGGER!” Bugger, as in, a person in the act of bugging me. I didn’t mean it as a swear. I got in so much trouble. We weren’t a spanking family, but I’m pretty sure I got spanked. I was probably 10 or 11, so it was extra traumatic. I tried to explain what my intentions were, but they fell on deaf ears. I felt SO misunderstood. It was a very helpless feeling. 

I have countless more examples involving varying degrees of misunderstandings. I try to be reflective and have a healthy balance to make changes where needed. At the end of the day, I tend to be pretty hard on myself and I’m trying to overcome it, but it’s a challenge for me. I have high expectations of myself and I think that naturally transfers into having high expectations of others too. That can be a good thing, but there needs to be a balance. It is easy to get frustrated or put out with others. I wrote about expectations HERE.

I remember being given a really neat challenge. It was one where I was encouraged to pray to Heavenly Father so I could see other people through His eyes. I was also encouraged to pray to see myself through His eyes. I accepted the challenge then and have continued this practice when I remember to. Anyway, I have prayed many times for this to happen. Guess what? It works! Heavenly Father’s love is unconditional, real and right. Praying for this has helped me see myself and others through His eyes, and I was indeed filled with love, understanding, and grace. I have a testimony of it, but I still often forget to pray for that Divine Sight. (Hi, my name is Jacquie and I’m a sloooooow learner.) 

Feeling misunderstood can be uncomfortable or hurtful, but there’s good news! We can combat it with being slower to jump to conclusions. We can try to really hear what people are saying and ask them to clarify if we are missing something. We can try and work on our communication skills. And we can definitely pray. Pray for eyes to see, ears to hear, minds to understand and hearts to feel. That we can have the Divine Sight to see truly see ourselves and others the way God sees us. Wouldn’t that solve so many problems? 

I’ll end with this. Writing these blog posts has been therapeutic for me. Writing helps me organize my thoughts and helps me come full circle.  It helps me make connections and encourages me to use my personal experiences as a tool to see patterns in myself. (Why don’t I write more consistently? It makes me come alive!) I truly hope you can gain something from my musings, too. I feel honoured that you’ve read any of my writing. Thank you, my friends, near and far. Friends that I’ve met or just haven’t met…yet! God bless you. 

The old adage “right under your nose” certainly rings true. I try to be aware, but sometimes I just can’t see what’s right in front of me! And it takes someone pointing it out to help me see what I’m missing. (However, when that person is my husband, I occasionally have the tendency to resist listening to his wisdom. Yes, I am prideful. Oopsie.)

I have countless examples, but I’ll narrow it down to three.

1. I have become quite sensitive to noises. Even when my kids are making happy noises, I may still feel overstimulated. Same goes for the puppies. They play together in the house and are so happy, but so loud. I recall saying to the kids a time or two, “Go be happy somewhere else!” Of course my kids will also make unhappy noises. And those are especially triggery. 

  I love listening to music when I’m in the kitchen or doing different tasks throughout the day. I’ve also started listening to scriptures, General Conference talks, audiobooks, podcasts etc., but music is what I mainly listen to. Link to the scriptures and talks here.

One day, my husband Keegan returned from work to a less-than-harmonious home. The kids were having big emotions and fighting. I was overstimulated and on edge. He said hello to everyone and walked to our sound system and turned it off. The simple act of turning off the music made a huge difference. My precious music WAS adding to the noise! It makes sense though, because music has been described as organized noise. It’s beautiful, powerful and moving, but it’s still a type of noise. I didn’t make the connection, but my husband did and I’m very grateful he saw a solution to a problem that I couldn’t see. It’s certainly been helpful since.

2. I love our puppies Libby and Lulu. They have brought a wonderful dynamic into our home that I am forever, or should I say fur-ever, grateful for. One thing I haven’t loved, though, is their love for my bathroom garbage. The puppies mastered opening up the garbage lid and getting out all manner of disgusting things: used q-tips, floss, panty liners, wipes, as well as tissues. Libby actually swallows the tissues, wipes and panty liners. Ew. She’s been known to throw up the panty liners a time or ten. She usually poops out the tissues and wipes. To my knowledge Lulu isn’t quite as gross as Libby.

My solution to this problem was to close the door to my bathroom. Well, Libby can open the door, so there went that solution.  I started to lock the door, but it became way too inconvenient so I stopped locking it. It’s crazy how often I open that bathroom door. Honestly, I was consistently frustrated by the whole thing. It was my main grievance of being a pet owner.

A few weeks ago, my sister-in-law and her family came over. We played outside with the dogs. Libby pooped out a wipe but she couldn’t quite get it out, and she panicked. She ran around with it attached. It was hilarious and horrifying to watch. Keegan and I helped extract the culprit (and dry heaving was definitely involved). I complained to my SIL about the whole garbage frustrations and do you know what she said???? “Have you ever considered putting the garbage beneath the bathroom sink?” Um, no. I have never considered that before, but what an ingenious suggestion that truly solves all the problems. Why have I never considered that as a solution?  RIGHT UNDER MY NOSE! The dogs cannot open cupboard doors. Problem solved. Boom. I’m grateful for my SIL’s willingness to share her suggestion.

3. I love to read. My parents love/loved to read and so do my siblings. Reading is in my blood. Even though there are many benefits to reading, there is a downside for me. If I’m really into a book, I tend to stay up way past my bedtime to read, like into the wee hours of the morning. Or I sometimes start my day off by reading instead of starting my day off the way I know I should.

I remember reading in bed one morning, and receiving a prompting from the Holy Ghost to put my book down and get out of bed.  I was so into my book and I was so close to finishing, that I declined that invitation. Then I felt that nudge again. I could hear my kids in the other room and they were independently getting their breakfast. I heard them playing and creating. They were fine. I committed to finishing the book and I did, ignoring those promptings. 

Guess how the rest of our day went? Not so well. I didn’t start my day off right. I didn’t read my scriptures, pray or move my body like I normally do first thing in the morning. And I didn’t connect with my kids like usual. I was grumpy. My kids weren’t into listening to me. I felt behind before I even began. It was a really off day. 

Since then, I’ve been able to recognize, with thanks to those nudges, that I shouldn’t put off my morning routine. We all benefit from my routines! An added bonus? One of my friends suggested I use reading as a reward since I get so much joy out of it! I’ve never thought of that solution. So, once I accomplish the things I set out to do, I can reward myself with my beloved reading!

Bonus share: I just remembered it right this very moment. A few years ago, the president (also known as the prophet) of our church challenged us to go on a social media fast for 10 days. I did it. It was hard, but I did it. And I learned that I habitually opened my apps even when that wasn’t my intention.  Perhaps my purpose was to check IMDb, one of my favourite apps, but my fingers would automatically touch Facebook.  I also learned I had an unhealthy relationship with social media. It was too easy for me to sit and scroll mindlessly, or to subconsciously compare myself to everyone, or feel left out. I was able to recognize that I would use social media to validate myself. The ‘fast’ helped me recognize many things about myself and my patterns. It helped me realize I had more self-control than I thought I had.  I wouldn’t have done the social media fast without the invitation.

I’m grateful for those divine nudges, friends, family and leaders who offer simple solutions that I have been blind to. I hope in the future that I’ll be more aware and open to what is right under my nose. And that I’ll be in tune when family and friends may need me to help them find a simple solution.

I have a problem. Okay, I have a lot of problems, but I am going to confess to one in particular. I love to “swipe” people. Do you remember Jack and Karen on the show Will and Grace? What a riot those two were! Anyway, Jack would pretend to swipe a credit card in Karen’s cleavage and say, “Denied”. Then she’d turn around and Jack would swipe between her butt cheeks and say, “Approved”!

I was inspired by that in the late 90’s and have since then swiped people with credit cards, books (ouch!), kitchen utensils and anything else I can get my hands on. If I couldn’t use anything, I’d actually use my hand. (One of my other problems is taking things too far.) I especially love swiping people when they are walking up the stairs in front of me. It’s to the point where my kids won’t walk ahead of me. Haha!

Fun Fact: When I was going to university I worked for my cousin’s father-in-law. I was invited to a family function, and I used a spatula to swipe him. Him, as in my boss. That was a moment of regret, if I’ve ever had one. That happened 16 years ago and my boss still shares that story. He has a great sense of humour and accepted that breach of conduct. I don’t think I can live that one down. And rightfully so. Has that stopped me from swiping people? Negatory. Can’t stop. Won’t stop.

Fast forward to September 2021, I got a taste of my own medicine and I have photo documentation to prove it. My brother swiped me with his phone during our sibling photo session. I loved that Rhonda Steed captured the sequence of events.

I am 39, and sometimes very much feel that old, or even older. But other times, I feel like I act my shoe size and not my age. For reference, I’m a size 10. I sometimes wish I didn’t find juvenile things so funny. Is there a gene linked to immature humour? I’d like to know. Until then, when someone asks where someone or something is, my response will continue to be, “up your butt and around the corner.”

P.S. If you’ve never seen Dora the Explorer, there is a sly fox named Swiper, and he steals or swipes items from Dora and her gang. The response to those thefts is, “Swiper, no swiping!”, hence the title of this blog post.

I’ve had lots of thoughts and emotions over the past four months. I have made progress in some ways, become stagnant in others. I’ve experienced inspiration and also discouragement. I’ve had faith but I’ve also experienced fear. I’ve thought and felt so many things! I have definitely felt the extremes. We are living history as I type. Isn’t that a bit weird to think about?

At the very beginning of this global pandemic, I had the impression that I should start a family gratitude journal. Writing words down is a powerful thing. I have been keeping a gratitude journal for myself and it has changed me. And our family practices nightly gratitude sharing before the kids go to bed (I was inspired by Brene Brown.). That practice has changed our family. We used to just share our gratitude aloud, but since the impression to keep a family gratitude journal, we started one! I love that we will have this journal to refer to in the future. We will be able to remember that life was good, even through the craziness of the Covid-19 pandemic.

I’d be remiss if I didn’t acknowledge other things, too. These past four months have been a lot to process. I have made some social media posts throughout and thought I should compile and document them here, and add some extra thoughts, too!

POST #1: Words matter to me. They’re my predominant love language. (What is yours? I’m so curious! Also, I’ve never read the actual book. I really should. )
Words matter and I have felt of their influence. And I have influenced others with my words. They can be a beautiful gift! But, also not.

Case in point:
While student teaching in Edmonton, a 6 year old asked me why my arms were so hairy. I had never once thought of my arms as being overly hairy. I really internalized that and allowed myself to become insecure about it. So insecure, that I had a friend wax my arms! I still remember the girl’s name. Lily.

I have a gummy smile. It’s always been an insecurity of mine. In high school, one of my good friends and I were cruising and he smiled really big. I laughed and said something like, “We could never have kids. They wouldn’t stand a chance. They’d be all gums.” My words influenced him. I was the little 6 year old girl. He was me. Instead of waxing, he had dental surgery. I am a total b-hole.

I’m making strides to not let negative words have power over me. That’s a hard habit to break. I care what people think. (Recovering people-pleaser, right here!) I’m trying to edit what I let in. I’m trying to edit what comes out of my mouth, too. Words matter, yes. But we have the power over what we let in and let out.
In the movie Labyrinth, Sarah yelled to Jareth the Goblin King, “You have no power over me!!!!!” This is a good reminder. I don’t know if you need this reminder, but I felt like I should share it.

P.S. I still find Jareth the Goblin King attractive.
P.P.S. I always have movie quotes/SNL quotes/lyrics swimming in my head. I’ll never edit that out!

POST #2: (My family thrives with routine! Not just my kids, but me too!)

Anyone else have an astronomical food bill!!? And found some extra insulation around your midsection? Hahah! Our new hobby has become snacking. I’m pretty sure the Spirit prompted me to come to the following conclusion and I feel I need to share it.

Before the new day starts, the kids and I will pack our snacks in our lunch kits. I set a guideline of what to pack and they choose what goes in. Once the contents of the lunch kit are done, no more snacks! This doesn’t include meals, just snacks. We need some boundaries. Hahah!

So, we packed up our lunch kits tonight, but fridge foods stay in the fridge until the morning. Then we will add ice packs. The kids were so excited to do this, especially Lachlan. Also, I found some hand sanitizer attached to the straps, so I’m excited about that. (Hand sanitizer and yeast are the new toilet paper.)
Tomorrow is our first day with this new routine. I think it will help us.

POST #3: A friend sent me this pancake meme and I died. The truth of the matter is that I’m guilty of being an a hole, too. I can also be a friggin’ delight, and so can my kids. We have more good days than bad, BUT COME ON!!!!

Let me share a few examples (there are many more, believe me):

•I’m happy and feel that it is such a blessing to be with my kids all day. But at times, I am DONE and feel a little trapped and burdened.
•I feel like we are in goodish hands when it comes to our government. But at times, I question it all and think, “Trust no one. Not even Bill Gates.”
•I’m happy to see everyone’s success and productivity that is shared on social media. (I’m talking about you Go Clean inspiration, sourdough starters and Zoom exercise classes.)

•But at times, I feel very inadequate and kind of resent all the success that I’m not experiencing.
•I love myself and feel like I’ve got this. But also at times, I feel like a fatty fatty two by four and am barely holding it together.
•I feel I’m pretty good at having conversations with people and connecting with them. But at times, I’m so awko taco that I feel like I don’t know how to even act in public anymore. (When asking a worker about the biggest package they offer, I started giggling. “Biggest package! Sorry, I have the sense of humour of a 12 year old boy!” And then I giggled some more. What in tarnation, Jacquie? Seriously. I mean…seriously. )

Nothing about this situation is normal. We’ve got nothing to compare it to, either. Brené Brown has a podcast about FFT’s, (Friggin’ First Times). As usual, she helped me see things differently. If you need a little somethin’ somethin’ to help you, here you go. She drops the real F Bomb, by the way. My substitute swearing is just priming the pump for you.

Anyway, thanks for reading this far. If you haven’t, then maybe go eat one of those pancakes.

POST #4: (I have read a LOT of books over the past 4 months.)

I love history. I love learning. I love to read. I love hearing people’s stories. And I love love. So, it makes sense that I love me a good historical Christian romance novel. I get to read a good wholesome book with a happy ending, and I get to learn along the way. It’s perfect.

Speaking of perfect? The use of old timey language in these type of books. I think it’s time to reintroduce the language into our vocabulary. I’ve been keeping notes of the words or phrases that stand out to me. (Nerd Alert!)

Since I’ve resorted to substitute swearing and such these past three months (I blame you Corona for the “such”), it’s only appropriate for me to share “blazes” with you. Blazes is a euphemism for hell, usually in phrases. Blue is added to intensify.

For example:
How the blazes…?
It’s hot as blue blazes!
What in blue blazes…?
It’s all gone to blazes!
I’m working this into my daily vocabulary. Haha!

POST #5: Do you remember that time I was concerned that I might have contracted Covid-19 because my throat was so sore? And then upon reflection, I realized my throat was sore because I yelled so dang loud at my kids?

In May, Bennett lovingly gave me this picture. A picture he drew of me. I was equal parts humoured and horrified. Hahaha! He really nailed the split ends and my big emotions. (There’s nothing normal about what we are experiencing, and there may have been wailing and gnashing of teeth at times.)

During the past threeish months, I’ve said and done things I’m not proud of. (I recall telling one of my kids to “get a life”. What’s next? Am I going to respond with “I know you are but what am I?”) I’m so grateful my kids forgive me. I am grateful that life won’t always be like this. We are making the best of it, but life seems so heavy sometimes.

Speaking of heavy, do you remember the movie The Crow? (I watched it in the 90’s and loved it. Looking back, it’s a super dark movie and I can’t believe I watched it so many times when I was a teenybopper. ) There’s a phrase that has stayed with me for almost 26 years. “It can’t rain all the time.” That’s even the title of a song in the movie’s soundtrack. Things are literally and figuratively raining down on us right now. I needed this reminder, and maybe so do you.
(At the time of this post on social media, it was raining nonstop.)

It can’t rain all the time.

POST #6: You know when house flies get into that annoyingly sluggish stage? It’s the same stage when they also get extra clingy and are always lurking near your head. (Why do you keep landing on my nose, and buzzing in my ear, little fly? I don’t want your poop encrusted legs touching me, thanks. And why do you insist on repeatedly flying into the mirrors or windows? I know you can see outside, but there’s a barrier stopping you. Like, get a clue, fly.)

A little while ago, I was chatting with a friend in my front entryway. The type of fly I described above made an appearance. It was trapped inside, but wanted outside. It kept flying right into the window pane in our door. Repeatedly. The effort and outcome were the same each time. The dang fly just kept buzzing and bumping. To get a different result, one must make a change, but the fly never figured that out. (I’m pretty sure that fly was on my window ledge, belly up, the next day. I guess it did change something. It moved to the neighbouring window. Hahah!)
As I watched the stubborn fly, I had an epiphany. SOMETIMES I AM LIKE THAT FLY!!! I know what I want, I try to get there, but I can’t quite make it happen. I don’t get the end result I want, but I don’t make any changes. I keep thinking and doing the same things. I keep hitting the same proverbial window, but I keep expecting different results. Talk about frustrating!
A belief that has been widely embraced by people from far and wide is that changing your behaviour changes your results. I used to think this was true. Another belief that has been floating around the universe is all about mindset shifts. The belief that changing your thoughts is what actually changes your results. It’s all about changing your mindset, shifting that paradigm. I’ve dabbled a bit in this. In December of 2019, I started to embrace all things Bob Proctor and mindset shifts! I was soaking it all up! And then…COVID. That’s when I became more like the fly.
I’m so grateful for the fly epiphany, because I needed another kickstart. I really needed to be reminded just how powerful our minds are!!!
Here’s a little taste of Bob Proctor (@proctorgallagher on Instagram):

1. Thinking creates an image.

2. The image stirs emotions.

3. Emotions cause action.

4. Action sets up a reaction.

When you’re thinking about what you want, rather than your current results, the reaction (see Step 4) creates new and improved results.

Then, you can start the process all over again by looking at the new result, adapting to the changes that have occurred, and thinking about what you want next.

That way, your life just keeps getting better and better! “

Bob gets it.

I got a little off track for a bit. I have been surviving. I want to make a few adjustments to get back on track. I want to start thriving! Who doesn’t want their life to keep getting better and better?

I have been all over the place. I’ve found the good, the bad, the funny, the sad, the encouraging and the discouraging through all of this. And that’s okay. We are learning how to navigate something there is no manual for. We are all in this together, even though we may feel far apart. I’m learning that fear is the root of the negative things I have been feeling; the anger, doubt, the comparisons and the anxiety. I’m learning to lean more to the Lord. I’m learning more about His gift of grace. I am learning that I am not alone in this.

I want to talk about the word journey, and I’m not talking about the rock band. I’m talking about taking a trip “without regard to the amount of time it takes.” (Miriam-Webster Dictionary)

Years ago, a young man spoke at church. He was getting ready to serve a two-year mission. Let’s call him Elder Cook. Elder Cook was an amazing athlete. He was very passionate about the importance of working hard to achieve goals and also being part of a team. He displayed a team ring he had, with the initials ETP on it. He explained that the initials stood for Enjoy The Process. Elder Cook’s coach believed strongly in this motto and helped the whole team see the value of it, too. His coach emphasized the importance of being present through the whole journey, and not just at the end goal, such as winning a championship game. This future missionary went on to make some gospel connections of our eternal journey and how we should enjoy the process! I loved his message. Too often I rush through things to just get them done, instead of embracing ETP! (I’m not discounting being a “finisher”. There’s great value in finishing and accomplishing goals. I’m just saying that there can be more to it than that. I want to be an “embracer and finisher”.)

I feel like sometimes I am so focused on my starting point and final destination/end goal that I pay less attention to the journey along the way. Or sometimes I am comparing myself or my situation to other people and to their successes. I then tend to place unrealistic expectations on myself. Or sometimes I’m just on autopilot mode, doing things because I should, out of habit, not because I’m taking the time to find joy in it.

How many times have I made a goal but sabotaged myself with my unrealistic expectations? Or how often do I get caught up in the comparison game? More often than I care to admit. (I wrote a blog post about expectations here if you want to take a gander.)

I had a pretty simple but powerful experience that illustrated what can happen when I’m on autopilot mode. When I’m only focused on the end goal and not on the journey. I had twin toothbrushes in the shower: one for brushing my teeth and one for scrubbing/cleaning the shower. They were on different shelves, so the distinction was pretty clear. (But still. Rookie mistake, Jacquie.) Maybe you can guess what happened? I wasn’t thinking and grabbed the scrubber toothbrush and brushed my teeth with it. It was a low point for me. It was disgusting on so many levels. If you’re wondering what Comet Cleaner with Bleach tastes like, take it straight from the horses mouth; it should leave your bathroom looking squeaky clean, not your teeth. (Gagging sounds were heard in abundance.)

It seems that I need continual reminders that we all have to begin at our OWN starting point. And our journey doesn’t look like other people’s journey. Our final destination doesn’t have to be the same, either. The comparison game is not fun and no one wins. So why do I keep playing the game? It’s not so I can pass GO and collect $200. I never come away victorious. It’s because I’m a slow learner. More on this later.

At church, pre-Covid, my bishop made mention of something that has stayed with me. He said that if you really wanted to climb to the top of Mount Everest, you couldn’t bypass the climb and have a helicopter just drop you off on the top. Your body couldn’t handle it for a multitude of reasons.

You must start at the bottom and make your ascent, acclimating as you go. And there are camps along the way for you to regroup, rest and reevaluate. (I’m simplifying what is actually needed to climb Mount Everest, of course, but you get my gist.)

Isn’t this life? It’s so applicable to many things. This is like our testimonies, our self-love journey, our relationships, our knowledge/experience and so on. We have to start somewhere!

Lately, it seems I’ve been comparing myself more than usual. I’ve made such progress on this front, but it’s like I just went backwards. Talk about frustrating! Sometimes I pay too much attention to the people farther ahead of me on Testimony Mountain, Relationship Mountain, Knowledge Mountain, Homemaking Mountain, Family Adventure Mountain etc. That leaves me feeling so discouraged. Sometimes I’m impatient with myself. Sometimes I’m even jealous and resentful of others who are farther up the mountain than I am. And sometimes? Sometimes I wish I could just get dropped off at the top of the mountain and skip the whole climb.

But, like a young Miley Cyrus once said:
Ain’t about how fast I get there
Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side
It’s the climb.

Now that both the song and Miley’s throaty voice are stuck in my head, I’m thinking about how much I learn between my starting point and end destination. I’m thinking about the little gains I make and the beauty I see as I’m hiking along. I’m thinking about the relationship I’m building with myself and others along the way.

I have recently implemented quiet/alone time into our family’s daily schedule. My kids initially felt like it was a time out. I explained to them that this time alone wasn’t a punishment, it was an opportunity! We discussed how important it is to be comfortable with ourselves and be our own best friend. I told them that when I was in university, I didn’t like to do things on my own. So, I challenged myself to go shopping alone. Then, I went to a movie by myself. Little by little I did more on my own. I eventually ate at a restaurant by myself. That was more than a little awkward, but I did it! I look forward to time by myself now. It really is a gift! It didn’t start out that way, but because I worked at it little by little, and I enjoyed the process, I achieved my goal!

Just today I was talking to my kids about the best part of LEGO for them. It isn’t the finished product; it’s using their imaginations and creating together. It’s the climb, Baby! Not to say there’s not a sense of accomplishment at the end, because there is! Accomplishing a goal you made can do wonderful things to your confidence, sense of accomplishment and self-love.

I know we can’t expect results when we are not putting in the effort. You gotta pay your dues! (Like when I see a friend and her husband on a spontaneous date because their oldest kid is now old enough to babysit the younger kids. Finding babysitters is a tricky thing right now, so a small part of me gets jealous. Okay, a big part gets jealous. However, I haven’t paid my dues, yet. Evie is 9 and we will get there! Eventually.)

Another thing I need constant reminders of? The gift of grace. Sometimes I’m going to take two steps forward and two steps back (please tell me you get that musical reference) and feel like I’m not getting anywhere. And that’s okay. I can’t be on all the time. I’m not a dang light switch at 7-11. Rest is important. It’s okay to just be. One of my friends said that we are human beings, not human doings. I loved that!!! And I needed to hear it again.

Short story long, I just needed to get some thoughts out. I needed to remind myself about lessons I’ve learned and need to keep relearning. I love learning, but sometimes I feel that I’m such a slow learner. And I can be too hard on myself. This is when I need reminding about grace. What a beautiful gift it is. It’s a gift we receive even if we don’t deserve it!

So, here’s to being any kind of learner, fast or slow. Here’s to setting goals, enjoying the process and giving ourselves grace along the way!

When Keegan and I were freshly married, we were asked to teach primary-aged kids in our ward. (We belong to this church, if you want to read more about wards.) There was one boy who was a little unpredictable and he took off, running out of the room. I stayed with the rest of the class while Keegan went to search for the boy. Let’s call him Donald, shall we?

After Keegan’s search within the church hallways was fruitless, he thought to check in the washroom. Sure enough, Donald was there. He was perched on top of the toilet, taking a break from everything. When Keegan attempted to talk to Donald, Donald would flush the toilet, drowning out Keegan’s voice. Keegan’s attempt in communicating resulted in continual flushing. Eventually, Donald came down from his perch and joined the class once more.  (This was a stressful situation, but it ended up becoming a favourite memory. I thought I was so clever to download a toilet flushing app on my phone. When Keegan would say things I didn’t want to hear, I’d open the app and flush the toilet. Hahaha! Looking back, I realize how bizarre it was that I could find a toilet flushing app. But really. Why was that app even developed?)

When I recently recalled this experience, it had me laughing, but also got me thinking. This experience has helped me make some real life connections, and I feel I need to share those connections with you.

Why did Donald keep flushing the toilet? The noise of the flushing water drowned out Keegan’s voice. The noise muted the message Keegan was trying to convey. I have realized that I flush the toilet, so to speak, when I don’t want to hear the message.  Or maybe I’d be open to the message, but the noise of the toilet is too successful at  keeping me too distracted to hear it. Be it an intentional choice of mine or not, that noise drowns out things I should be hearing.

According to the Cambridge Dictionary, the definition of noise is, “a sound or sounds, especially when it is unwanted, unpleasant, or loud.” And the definition of distraction is, “something that prevents someone from giving their attention to something else.” I feel that these two things work together to hinder me.

When I invite in too many distractions, I unintentionally mute the Holy Ghost. I can’t hear Him through the noise. Simplifying my life through decluttering and de-owning has helped decrease the physical noise in my life. I’ve tried to become unbusy and prioritize my schedule. (I know, I know. I’m using buzz words. And I’m okay with that for now. However, looking back a year from now, I may annoy myself.) The COVID-19 Quarantine has definitely quieted my schedule. That has been a perk of this new normal.

Something else I’ve been working on is being a better editor of what I let in to my home/mind. I wouldn’t let a squatter trespass and move in with me. So, why would I let limiting beliefs or negativity or toxicity take up space in my mind? I am a recovering negative self-talker and this has been hard for me. I’d literally have zero friends left if I talked to them the way I have talked to myself. Talk about noise. That kind of negativity definitely flushed the toilet, stopping me from hearing the truth. I’m of infinite worth, regardless of my short-comings. I want to shout from the rooftops that YOU ARE, TOO!!!!

Sometimes too much of a good thing could be making noise, like binge-listening to podcasts. I’m speaking from personal experience. Podcasts can be so informational and inspiring. However, if in order to binge-listen to a whole bunch of episodes, you need to ignore all the things, (I’m talking to you, kids…please forgive me) then maybe it’s too much. There’s a well known talk given by Dallin H. Oaks called Good, Better, Best found here. The concept is simple, but so powerful. Not everything can be the most important thing. There are so many good things, but we probably should prioritize them. Dallin H Oaks said, “We have to forego some good things in order to choose others that are better or best.”

I have too much of a good thing in my life and my family will tell you what it is. They would tell you that my biggest distraction is my phone. My phone isn’t the problem, though. There are lots of good, better, best things that can come as a result of my phone. I’m the problem. I would deny it when Keegan would say anything about my phone usage. Or I’d have excuses when my kids would ask why I’m “on my phone again.” And I would get defensive. Actually, I still do make excuses and get defensive. Sure, I have tried to be more purposeful with my time. I’ve tried setting boundaries. In some ways I’m much improved, but it’s still a problem.

It was a real eye-opening experience when I tracked one of my mornings a few months ago. (Kendra Hennessy is my new favourite and she challenged me to do this. She’s huge on routine, mindset and cleaning.) I wrote down everything that I did for a few hours. I was absolutely shocked with the results. Seeing tangible evidence written down showed me that my biggest distraction that morning was my phone. My morning was filled with many start and stops. I’d have a strong start to my morning, like tidying the house after breakfast. I’d tidy but also take breaks to change the music I was listening to. Or check texts. Or google how long it takes to hard boil eggs in the instant pot (for some reason I never remember the time). Or to check the weather app.

I continued to do some other things, too, like study the scriptures. There are amazing online resources out there to up the ante on my scripture study, so I chose to go on my phone for this. But after a while, I’d get a notification for something and I’d go down the rabbit hole. I’d get distracted and check Facebook. Then I’d text someone. Then I’d check IMDb to see how tall Sigourney Weaver is. Eventually, I’d go back to my scripture study, but I was not efficient and I surely wasn’t effective.

There are so many uses for my phone. One of the uses is to read ebooks or listen to audiobooks. Thank goodness for the free apps I have access to, especially since the library is closed. Thank you Libby and Hoopla! (Fun fact: if Lachlan was a girl, I wanted to name him Libby. I wanted D as a middle name, after my amazing Grandma Dora.) I love to read. Sometimes I sacrifice my sleep in order to read. Sometimes I sacrifice quality time with my kids in order to read. Sure, I’m hanging out by them when I read, but I’m not very present. Reading is better than lots of things. Reading is essential in my life, but I allow it to take over. I’m sometimes an all or nothing kind of girl.

Because our laptop broke, I’ve been using my phone for everything. Regardless, I can’t keep denying the obvious. I am still on my phone more often than I need to be. And that’s a fact. Confession: Facebook isn’t my kryptonite anymore, sending and watching Marco Polo videos is. Now, don’t get me wrong. Nothing is evil about using Facebook or Marco Polo. Both apps are instrumental in helping us stay connected with each other. During this isolating time we are living, it’s even more important to connect.

Although I’m working on setting boundaries and being more intentional with my phone usage, the message I’m sending to my family is clear. My phone is a priority. (If I get a notification, one of kids automatically delivers it to me. “Mom, your phone got a text!”) What if I talked to my phone the way I sometimes talked to my kids? What if I told my phone “In a minute”or “I’m just in the middle of something and then I can give you my attention” or “No, not right now” or “Maybe later” or “Can’t you see I’m busy?” when I got a notification? This really has me thinking.

By now, you might be thinking, “Okay, Jacquie. We get it. You have a phone addiction.” Please stay with me, though.

My phone has become way too accessible for me.  And I’m way too accessible for my phone.  Somewhere along the line, I’ve become no different than Pavlov’s dog. Instead of salivating when the bell rings, I drop everything to check my phone when it rings or dings. I’m drowning out the good noise around me. How am I supposed to feel the Spirit amidst those distractions?

The fascinating thing to me is that this blog post took on a life of its own. I was only going to briefly touch on my phone. I had so much more to say. I’m thinking I was guided to make a written confession of sorts. I’ve said these things out loud before, but seeing the words in written form has had an impact on me. I have a problem. I know the solution isn’t to throw my phone away. That just isn’t feasible. The solution isn’t to set screen time limits. It’s a great option, but I can easily dismiss those notifications. I think the solution for right now is to leave my phone in a different area than where I physically am. And I need to put it on airplane mode. (Why haven’t I thought about that before? So simple!) When the time is appropriate, I will access my phone. I need to figure out what is appropriate, but this is a start.

With all this talk of noise and distraction, I’d be remiss if I didn’t give Satan some credit. I remember hearing the quote, “If Satan can’t make you bad, he’ll make you busy.” He wants us so busy and so distracted that we drown out that still small voice. He doesn’t want us to feel connected to God through the Spirit. I’m so glad I’ve been working on hearing the Spirit more, because He guided me to write this blog post and to truly reflect on it. Uninviting the Spirit opens up an unofficial invitation to Satan. But I don’t want him to be a squatter in my home. Like the shirt says that I’ve seen around, “Not today Satan”. Not today.

I’m dying to know. How are you flushing the toilet? Are you drowning out any good messages? What is the biggest noise in your life? What is your biggest distraction? How are you combatting these tendencies? We have a pretty unique opportunity right now during our isolation. We have time to identify our biggest distractions and then take action!

The other night I indulged on some Tostitos and nacho cheese from a can. I couldn’t help but reminisce. In junior high and high school, I played basketball and volleyball. On our way home from tournaments or away games, we’d always stop and go to 7-11 for snacks. I usually didn’t have money to buy those coveted snacks. Paper bag lunches or bust for me. Sometimes my teammates would come back with tortilla chips drenched in nacho cheese. You know the kind? The kind where the chips would gets soggy from the warm cheese sauce. I remember getting to sample those deliciously saturated chips and wishing I could have a container to call my own. I eventually did. And they didn’t disappoint.

Well, fast forward 20 years. I took my son to a PJ Masks live performance. We each picked out some things at the concession. The first thing I was drawn to was the tortilla chips with nacho cheese. I was taken back to my sports playing days. To the days of belonging to a team and feeling part of something. Something as simple as nachos and cheese could make me feel so many happy things. I was looking forward to digging in. I was anticipating the juxtaposition of crunchy outer chips to the inner soft, saturated cheesy chips. I had built up my expectations only to be disappointed. The chips were stale. The cheese was cold. (It makes me think of Encino Man’s “the cheese is old and moldy”.) The sauce to chip ratio was super chintzy. In other words, NO SOGGY CHIPS.

Expectations. I’ve struggled with this for most of my life without even recognizing it as such. I have placed expectations on many things, only to be disappointed in some way. I have placed high and unrealistic expectations on myself. I have also put those high expectations onto other people and things/situations.

I have a few more stories to illustrate high and unrealistic expectations I’ve placed on others. Picture this. Keegan and I didn’t have children for the first four and a half years of our marriage. However, each and every Mother’s Day of our childless years, I’d end up so disappointed that Keegan did NOT celebrate me on Mother’s Day. My mom always celebrated me and my sisters on Mother’s Day. I thought this was to be expected that Keegan should too. I felt so ripped off because I WOULD be the mother to his children one day and he obviously SHOULD celebrate for this reason. How insensitive he was.

I have so many more stories like this. I’d end up hurt and disappointed and Keegan would end up frustrated and left feeling undervalued. It wasn’t the best situation. We couldn’t thrive as a couple with the looming cloud of unattainable ideals hanging over our heads. Sure, I have calmed down, matured and grown as a person in general. But I still have had a tendency towards high expectations. I’ve only started to acknowledge my unrealistic expectations within the past few years. This Alcoholics Anonymous quote is pretty hard hitting: “Expectations are premeditated resentments”. I have never considered this before, but it’s absolutely true. Now that I’m becoming more aware, I realize I really don’t like feeling resentment. It’s a poison that spreads to many other areas in my life.

Sometimes, okay, often times, I just expect people to be and think like me. “…but I have a newsflash for you, Walter Cronkite… you aren’t.” We are not all the same. This is a hard thing for me to learn. These expectations can leave me hurt, disappointed and feeling insecure. It leaves me doubting myself big time.

I am going to add one more story to further illustrate my expectations. I grew up with my mom serving people in our community. She’d serve with her time, her skills and her love. It was kind of routine to watch her take dinner to families who needed some extra love. I couldn’t help but continue this service. It was part of me. And it makes me so happy. I know I can’t help in the big ways, but I sure can pray and take food over to someone who needs it. Am I a great cook? I get by. (You’ll notice that this is not a food blog.) Does my family enjoy what I make? Yes. Am I insecure about taking dinner over to others? Absolutely.

Now, that doesn’t sound like having expectations, right? Just keep reading and you’ll see. I’m a thanker. In fact, I’m an over-thanker. (I’m often an over-apologizer, too, and that’s for another day.) Because of this, I have kind of expected others to be that same way. When you do things for others, you shouldn’t have expectations at all. You did what you felt you needed/wanted to do and that should be thanks enough. For me, it wasn’t. If I wasn’t thanked after the meal had been eaten, I was left thinking dinner was disgusting. Or bisgusting, as my three year old used to say. I’ve learned now that l shouldn’t rely on others to make me feel validated. No one can fill that void, except God and myself.

I’m trying harder than ever to be more mindful. To reflect and have more self-awareness. I’m trying to let go of these tendencies and look for the good. Having gratitude changes everything. It’s the antidote for almost anything negative. Oh, and counselling helped, too. I needed a neutral person who would help me see unhealthy patterns. Sometimes it hurt, but I needed that proverbial kick in the pants. I learned that I have been projecting myself and my issues onto others. I would feel like no matter what I’d do, it’d never be good enough. I have unrealistic expectations on myself, so I project that onto other people and situations/things. Perfect segue to expectations I place on myself. I feel like this needs to be another blog post, though. (I’ll link it once it’s written.)

So here’s to mindfulness! Here’s to keeping our expectations in check! Like one of my favourite bloggers out there says, “We are action-taking, problem-solving women!” (Allie Casazza has been instrumental in my journey, in so many ways. Stay tuned for my minimalism post.) We can figure this out and make changes. We can! Here’s to being content and recognizing that we are all enough. Here’s to dealing with our issues! It’s our time to thrive.

One evening, we had people over for dinner. I had set up all the food buffet-style on the island, but we hadn’t yet asked for everyone to gather to say a blessing on the food. No one was sitting down at the table or at the island. We were all visiting on the couches. Yet, one of my kids started going to town and chowing down on the food. I was annoyed and frustrated. I blurted out a little loudly, “Read the room!!!!”

My kids didn’t know what it meant, so I had to explain it. “Read the room means to look all around you. You can figure things out based on that. Are other people sitting down at the table and island? Are other people eating? NOPE!” This is just one example of teaching my kids how to pick up on social cues.

Read the room is now one of my favourite things to say. It’s applicable to many situations. So, I am going to ask you this: do you read the room regularly? Are you self-aware? I’m aware of the need to be self-aware. Haha! I’m trying. I fail sometimes. Recently, during church, I sat near a friend and we visited off and on during sacrament meeting. By visiting, I also mean laughing. My husband kept giving me side-eye, trying to get me to see that a reverent sacrament meeting wasn’t the most appropriate venue for a gab session. I did not read the room. (And I am not good at whispering. My whisper is other people’s inside voice. 🙈) But I do succeed sometimes, like when I can tell I’m talking too much so I stop and give space for the other people to also add to the conversation.

It’s fascinating to watch people at buffets or pot lucks. Some people are not self-aware. They aren’t aware of the many people behind them who haven’t dished up yet, and they go to town, piling their plates up. To that, I want to yell, “READ THE ROOM, BUDDY!”

I remember talking to my therapist about the struggles I had with an individual. He asked me if I knew what a shadow personality was. I didn’t. He went on to explain that often the things that irritate us the most in other people are a reflection of some quality we dislike in ourselves. Boom.

My mom loved people and genuinely loved getting to know them. She also genuinely loved talking. We called my mom a walking encyclopedia because she knew a lot of information. It was a blessing and a curse. She wasn’t always able to read the room. She’d still be talking as people would be side stepping to get to their vehicle, or moving closer to the door to make their escape. My momma loved to talk. (What I wouldn’t give to hear her tell me random information. What I wouldn’t give to hear her go off on long winded tangents about all the celebrity gossip. My mom had a vested interest in certain celebrity relationships. I remember she left my sister a message on the phone, saying how devastating the news was that Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman were breaking up. Man, I miss that mother of mine. It is funny how the quirks that sometimes annoy you are the ones you miss the most.) This tendency of my mom’s would irritate me sometimes. But now, I’m trying to look deeper in my irritation, to be more aware of this shadow personality business. Looking back, maybe I’m irritated by this tendency in ME!

Self-reflection is a good thing, but I do think we can take things too far and question everything. I’m not saying to do that. Moderation in all things!

So friends, I’m writing this all to give me accountability. I’m also wanting to share these epiphanies I had. Maybe it’s something you needed to hear. ❤️ It’s nice to know we are not alone. So to everyone, including myself, I say…RTR. Read the room!